12 Reasons your husband may NOT want to have sex with you
“Why does my Christian husband no longer want to have sex with me?” This is a Question that some Christian wives ask. What do you do as a Christian wife if your husband does not want s3x? This is very delicate subject for many Christian wives and it can often times be embarrassing for them to even raise the subject because of cultural and religious conditioning.
I have received many emails from women asking me to talk about the subject of husbands not wanting s3x and here it is finally! Sorry it took so long.
Yes wives want s3x too!
Do not be ashamed of the fact that as a woman you want to have s3x. In the Scriptures we need to look no further than the entire book of the Song of Solomon to see that women want s3x too:
“May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine…
My beloved is to me a pouch of myrrh Which lies all night between my breasts.” – Song of Solomon 1:2 & 13(NASB)
“Awake, O north wind,
And come, wind of the south;
Make my garden breathe out fragrance,
Let its spices be wafted abroad.
May my beloved come into his garden
And eat its choice fruits!” – Song of Solomon 4:16 (NASB)
Unfortunately our culture as well as our churches make women feel dirty for desiring s3x with their husbands – “Men are the ones that are supposed to want s3x, not women” or so we are told. But nothing could be further from the truth.
In this area of sexuality we have to battle two extremes. One extreme says that “if you don’t want s3x as much or as often as your husband then there is something wrong with you”.
The other extreme is “If you want s3x more than your husband there is something wrong with you”. If you find yourself as a wife in either of these situations – rest assured there is nothing wrong with you.
Many people have commented or emailed me accusing me of thinking women don’t want or enjoy s3x because I deal so much with s3xual denial by wives toward their husbands. But I do recognize that many women enjoy s3x with their husbands, even if they don’t want s3x as often. I also recognize that some women not only enjoy s3x with their husbands, but they actually want it more often than their husbands!
But the truth is despite those women who find themselves having higher libidos (s3x drives) than their husbands – the vast majority of low libido situations are found in women. Just search on “sexual denial”, “low libido” and “sexless marriage” and count the number of comments from men verses women. Ask a Pastor or therapist where they find low libido issues the most and they will say the vast majority of cases are with women having lower libidos than their husbands.
The mistake we make in this area of low libido is thinking that we have to make everything equal. We are told we have to say “This issue of low libido spouses in marriage is equally prevalent among men and women in marriage” when this simply is not true.
But even though it is true that if you want s3x more than your husband that puts you in smaller percentage group of women (because the vast majority of women usually want it less than their husbands) – it does not make you abnormal, dirty or unchristian. That is my point.
But now that we have established that it is perfectly normal and fine for you to desire s3x more than your husband let’s look at the difference between s3xual denial and low libido.
The difference between s3xual denial and low libido
A person (husband or wife) is capable of having little to no desire for s3x (low libido) and still having s3x with their spouse. Spouses do this all the time. Not having s3xual desire, no matter the reason, is not the same as sexually denying your spouse.
Most men understand this key difference but women often times confuse the two. For many women – if their husband stops initiating s3x as often or not at all then they interpret this as s3xual denial when that is not the case.
s3xual denial is when you reject your spouse’s initiation of or request for s3x, it is not the lack of them desiring you sexually or failure on their part to initiate s3x with you.
Reasons your husband might have little to no s3xual desire
When we look at reasons your husband might not want to have s3x with you we have to divide these reasons into three major categories. The three categories are “Reasons that have nothing to do you”, “Reasons that definitely have to do with you” and “Reasons that may or may not have to do with you”.
First lets tackle the reasons your husband might have little to no desire to have s3x with you.
Reasons that have nothing to do with you
Death of a loved one
Your husband may have lost a friend or loved one and this can take a huge toll on a man’s libido. For some men it increases their libido as s3x helps to alleviate their depression. But for other men their depression causes their libido to drop. Usually though this type of event should only cause a temporary period of depression. If this goes on for years you may need to gently prod your husband into counseling if you think this is the case.
Your husband is stressed because of his job situation
Talk to him about it. Tell him how much you love him and how grateful you are for him providing for your family. Listen and empathize with his position (use your super power of empathy that God has given you as a woman). Reassure him that if in a worst case scenario he needs to look for a new job you will support that. Many women are afraid for their husband’s to switch jobs because of their need for security, but sometimes this is not what is best for your husband.
If your husband lost his job – the worst thing you can do as a wife is kick him when he is down. Let him know that you believe in him and that you know he will find something else soon. You need to be strong and not fall apart and worry about financial issues or bringing up finances to him. He knows that time is short and he needs to get a job – adding pressure will not help him. Obviously if he is being lazy or unwilling to support your family that is a different issue.
Your husband has a health issue
Maybe your husband has chronic pain issues or perhaps he has issues with ED or low testosterone. Try to gently speak with him about this. Tell him how you understand that he has chronic pain but you still need to have s3x with him – you need that type of physical connection in your marriage. Some types of medication your husband takes may be killing his libido. If he has ED or low testosterone again reiterate to him how much you desire him and want to be physically intimate with him. Let him know he is not the only man that faces this and there is help – he just needs to be willing to seek it out.
Your husband was sexually abused
This is usually something you won’t find out until counseling. It is one of those issues that is usually buried deep. Basically if you can’t figure out a health issue, job issue or one of these other reasons you might want to pursue this in counseling.
Your husband thinks s3x is just for having kids
Sometimes people are raised in homes or churches that teach that s3x is only for having children. If your husband has this attitude toward s3x, you will need to seek out counseling where a third party can help dig out this faulty and wrong view of s3x.
Your husband is As3xual or has a true low libido
While these types of men are extremely rare – they do exist. Some men want a wife and they want kids but they have little desire for s3x or they may even be As3xual and have NO desire for s3x. Often times these men will hide this during the dating and engagement period so their fiancés won’t know and also men with low libidos or As3xuality are often mistaken for being homos3xual. They want to appear like a “normal guy” so they put on a show.
But not long into the marriage they drop their guard and the show is over. Most of these men assume women don’t really care about s3x so they think it won’t be a problem. While this kind of relationship is some women’s dream – most women want to have s3x even if it is not as often as the average man.
You probably won’t be able to determine if your husband truly just has low libido (not for health or other reasons) or is As3xual without counseling to rule out other factors. If he is As3xual or has true low libido not caused by other factors – then you may have to initiate s3x more often (and that is nothing to be ashamed of).
Your husband has homos3xual desires
This has to be most women’s worst nightmare. Your husband admits to you or a counselor that the reason he has stopped having s3x with you is because he has homos3xual desires. He may truly love you – he simply has no s3xual desire towards you because he prefers men to women. First know that you are not the first woman to face this situation and you will not be the last.
homos3xual desires exist because our flesh has been corrupted by sin. There are Christian programs that can help men recondition their minds toward heterosexual orientation. Just go online and look up a Christian counseling program in your area that can help your husband with this. But he has to be willing for this work.
Reasons that may or may not have to do with you
Your husband is addicted to p0rn
This may have been something that proceeded your marriage, or may have developed during your marriage but has nothing to do with you as his wife. However some men turn to p0rn because of their wives’ constant s3xual refusal and denial. Some men turn to p0rn because even though their wife’s do not directly refuse them, they make having s3x a difficult proposition. Some wives are overly critical of their husband’s s3xual performance rather than gently asking for changes that might make their s3x life better.
Your husband is having an affair
This like p0rn addiction is something that may or may not have to do with you. You may never deny your husband. You may rock his world in the bedroom, so this may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. But it may have to do with you if you been routinely denying your husband sexually. Am I saying it is right for your husband to have an affair because you were denying him?
The Bible does not allow s3x outside of marriage under any conditions.
“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” – Hebrews 13:4 (KJV)
But by your consistent denial you may have placed your husband in a very tempting position and he fell.
“Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” – I Corinthians 7:5 (KJV)
Reasons that definitely have to do with you
You are overly critical and disrespectful
Maybe your husband has not turned to p0rn, but rather he fills his time with hobbies (like video games) or other projects and he has no desire for you sexually because you emasculate him with your constant criticisms. For some men their s3x drive is so strong – that they will still have s3x with a critical woman just to get the physical release they need, but for others with weaker libidos they will redirect their s3xual energy into other areas.