I hope someone reads this and maybe offer me some advice. A little back story: I was s3xually molested by a man who was our neighbor when I was about 5 years old. As I was growing up, I had low self esteem and I hated myself;still do. When I was about 18, I start sleeping around with a lot of guys. I was very promiscuous. But I was always ashamed. I don’t know why I did it but I just did. I hated myself.I met my husband when I was 19/20 yrs. It was OK at first, but I was still sleeping around. He would find out and then forgive me. I really didn’t mean to hurt him. He almost left me a few times but he hang on.
I got pregnant with his child at 21. We decided to raise the child together… We have 2 more now. We’ve been together for 12 years.
The thing is, when I became a parent, I automatically stopped living the disgusting life I was living. But my life has been so hard. For 12 years, he has been sleeping with other women. He has had affairs, or hooking up on online s3x sites etc. Just hooking up with anyone. When I find out, he doesn’t show any remorse. He says I deserve it. That I set the tone. So I have lived like this dying inside.
I feel that I deserve a shot at happiness no matter my past. I regret everything I did. I wish I could tell turn back time but I can’t. He doesn’t respect me. He says I humiliated him and he is ashamed. I feel so bad about that. But what do I do? He wants me to take whatever he dishes to me. But I can’t live this way anymore. I hate myself so much and I want to love myself. I can’t when the situation is like.
He is a great dad and he provides to the best of his ability. But he is a self confessed s3x addict and a serial cheater who believes I deserve this. Maybe I do. But I don’t want to live this anymore. What would you advise me?