Hey everyone this is my first time doing something like this.
I just don’t know where else I can let off some frustration. It’s a long story and I need some help. I was married a year ago. My husband and I had always had a great s3x life up until we got married. It then slowly started to fade out. A few months into our marriage I found out he had been watching a lot of p0rn. So naturally I addressed this with him. We fought a lot as a matter of fact I was ready to end the marriage because he had also been on some chat sites.
I didn’t end it. As a matter of fact at about that time I found out I was pregnant. Like I said we fought a lot. He promised me he would stop watching p0rn. Well I don’t really believe be did because my s3x life went from bad to worse.
During my pregnancy I can count 3 times we had s3x. We went 4 months with nothing. I tried everything in my power to get home in the mood. He couldn’t even keep it up to perform. That of course evoked a lot of different thoughts for me. He is 40. He agreed to go to the doctor to discuss because he swears it’s not me. The doctor put him on an antidepressant thinking this was the cause. My husband has told me the reason he doesn’t want to have s3x is because we fight all the time. I am not really buying it because we maybe have an argument twice a month and usually it is over lack of intimacy.
In general he shows me no affection at all. The baby has been here for a month now. I have no issues where that is concerned. He avoids talking to me about why he really does not show me any affection at all. I asked him if he would prefer I found someone else to show me the affection I need. He said of course no and that would upset him. My reply was then you need to show me I mean something to you. Basically that was end of our conversation. He hates talking about it.
Because he has all control of when he will be intimate with me or show me affection I am torn on what to do. I am not happy. I am a very sexual person and intimacy makes me feel closer to someone and makes me happier. If he is still watching p0rn which he insists he isn’t he has gotten good at hiding it.
I am just so lost about the whole thing. Not to mention we not only fight over intimacy but he also has no job at the time and seems to lack ambition to do anything other than playing softball.
We spend no quality time together anymore.
REPLY FROM JOE
Watching p0rnography is a very natural thing for men, irrespective of they being married or not. So firstly don’t judge him or stop him to do that. It has very little value in their lives. Men of his age have been there and done that. So it takes more than just the normal naked body to get turned on. Hence they look for other fantasies. I do not dismiss your argument that he should be doing all those fantasies with you rather than wanking it off solo.
As you clearly mentioned that it is more of the friction amongst you both and that there is lack of intimacy. A man of his age aims more peace than excitement (mostly). So you need to understand that his capabilities of satisfying are going to be limited. Now i totally understand you disagreeing with me here. But i suggest you to give it a thought before dismissing it. Secondly, anti depressants, counseling do work a great charm but at the same time you both need to aim to gel better rather than just focusing on one aspect of the marriage.
Having a baby does change a lot amongst the partners relationship. It is a tough phase. A woman’s body also changes after that and it will take a little time for him to get used to it. I honestly feel that you should firstly stop embarrassing him by checking if watches pornography or not. If he wants to do it, let him to do it. Secondly, work towards spending time with each other more often. Doing chores together, going for a surprise vacation, meeting with common friends together, going for movie nights etc. The idea is to make this work and not blame each other for their faults. I thoroughly understand your sentiments and your agony of not having some crave for you or care for you.
You should try and give more thought to the fact that he feels that you both fight a lot. Am not saying that you intentionally fight with him or argue with him. But i only insist that you chose a different approach where you can deflect an argument and spend more time talking to each other about the things you’ll like.
Waking up each day and telling your self about all the good things that are around you, makes a lot of difference. I don’t intend to sound like a preacher to you, but i have experienced a change in myself by using these small techniques. There are plenty of books or small articles available that teach you how to have a positive outlook in life. You both should make a small attempt to read it. The reason that i suggest you to read them is because it is very important that you along with him have a change of outlook towards life and also towards each other.
The more you nag at him or make him conscious about his behavior, the more he will hide things from you. You too need to respect his privacy. Don’t give him ultimatums or solutions that are going to end your marriage. As i said before, he is at an age where he is going to want more of peace in his life. That is the main reason he is making these small efforts that you forcefully making him do. So, yes ! You are dealing with a tricky situation here. But i do suggest that you too spend some time making your self happy. And then am sure things will work out for the best.
I am not quiet sure if you both have visited a marriage counselor but maybe that might help you understand the reasons why he is behaving the way he is. My focus would be more on making him your friend again and not blaming him for his faults. And this all is to eventually make you happy and live a stable life too. Now that you have a child, things change. It is not easy to just let go someone you loved so deeply. So spend some good amount of time pampering yourself too. You mentioned about him not working and not being ambitious, well yes thats where the devils mind starts working. He has more time to think about all the wrongs that he is doing and thats what de-motivates him to improve himself.
Make him attend the “Art of Life” session. Maybe that might help him.
Hope things work out for the best for the both of you 🙂