If you’re a Grey’s Anatomy fan, you’re probably also a fan of the highly intelligent, badass doctor Cristina Yang. Throughout the series, whether suited up in blue scrubs or a white coat, the tough-as-nails brainiac always held her head high—that is until one day, when the after-effects of a love-fest with her boyfriend, Owen, left Cristina with what she described as “burn marks” on her ass. That’s right, even the know-it-all practitioner herself wasn’t invulnerable to a s3x injury.
Cristina’s experience, even though embarrassing (and fictional), isn’t very unique. In fact, people all over the world are entering emergency rooms suffering from burns, rips, tears, fractures, and objects caught in their nether regions all the time. Some of the most unfortunate go straight from the bedroom to the OR table. Talk about a turn-off.
To get the lowdown on the craziest s3x injuries ever seen, we consulted with real-life emergency-room doctors. Read on for cringe-worthy accounts of patients’ intimacy turned injury.
Hot Sauce From Hell
“One time I treated a woman whose partner had performed cunnilingus on her immediately after eating some spicy food. The hot sauce her partner consumed prior to the s3x act left mild burns on her genital region.” —Gabe Wilson, M.D., an emergency physician in Southeast Texas
What, What In The Butt
“While I was a general surgery resident, I encountered some ‘unique’ objects lodged in the rectum, in medical speak ‘rectal foreign bodies.’ In one case, we had to surgically remove a pink softball from someone’s rectum, and in another case, a significantly-sized potato.” —Joshua D. Zuckerman, M.D., a plastic surgeon in New York
The Pop-Rock Fiasco
“A woman bolted into the hospital experiencing extreme discomfort in her groin area. She was shifting from leg to leg, almost like she was a 3-year-old that has to go to the bathroom really badly. After I approached her, her husband clamored in, and we did some tests to determine the source of her pain. After the results came back clean, the couple told us what happened. They were spending their first evening alone without their newborn, and the wife introduced candy rocks to celebrate the experience. But when the husband performed oral on his wife, the sweets exploded immediately causing irritation, swelling, and burning. So we irrigated the area, prescribed an antihistamine, and the woman made a full recovery.” —David Meyers, M.D., an emergency physician based in Newport Beach, California, featured on the show s3x Sent Me to the ER
Pop Goes The Wiesel
“One day a city-works employee came through the doors of my ER. To be more precise, he was a street sweeper, and was having a nooner with a prostitute when he fractured his p3nis. When I met him in the emergency room, he was with his wife, and said he ran into a utility pole. That’s the story he told her. I obviously knew he was lying because you can only fracture your p3nis a few different ways, so I asked his wife to leave and had him admit what really happened in the privacy of the room. His wife was none the wiser, and he eventually recovered.” —Robert J. Hartman, Jr., M.D., a urology specialist in Lake Forest, Illinois
“A college freshman came in with penile swelling that was really impressive. It was a very, very swollen, angry-looking p3nis. He had a couple little abrasions on the skin of the penile shaft. After lots of questioning, he admitted that he had been receiving oral s3x from another freshmen with braces. The braces had cut open his p3nis, and whatever food, germs and bacteria were trapped in the braces were feeding into his wounds. After a course of antibiotics, he was all better.” —Robert J. Hartman, Jr., M.D.
One Ring To Destroy Them All
“There was a ring stuck on this 60-something-year-old’s p3nis. A wedding ring. He had erectile dysfunction, and was having difficulty maintaining an erection so he did some poking around online, and read about putting a ring on his p3nis to help. So… he put his wedding ring on his p3nis instead of a proper cock ring. None of the blood was able to go back into his body. It all got trapped, and his p3nis was swollen, and borderline necrotic. The ER doctors first attempted using a standard ring cutter to get it off, but they were unsuccessful. It turns out the ring was titanium, and there were no ring cutters for that. I called a local jewelry store. They didn’t have anything. Then I tried the local fire department, and they didn’t have anything either. At this point, I was getting pretty worried, but was able to get my hands on a diamond-tip circular cell [saw blade] to efficiently get the ring off. Cutting down on that ring, it would get so hot from friction, so a nurse would drip water onto the ring to cool down the temperature. As we were trying to remove the ring with the tool, it would glow bright orange, like molten. It looked just like the Lord of the Rings ring…but on a p3nis. That day I learned that you can’t bend titanium, so we had to try all over again on the original cut we made. That guy healed up perfectly, and learned he can use Viagra and Cialis with much greater success.” —Robert J. Hartman, Jr., M.D.