Dear Aunty Lisa,
I’m 18 and a senior in high school. I am feeling very confused lately because I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and I did lose my virginity to him which is something huge for me. I was somewhat pressured into it and from then on I felt like because I lost it there was no point in not having sex anymore.
Anyway, we’re both going to college soon and I’m going to a local university and he’s going another college which is a 5-hour drive away from mine. I’m assuming it won’t work even though we may try. I almost know I am not going to marry him but I’m holding on because I did lose my virginity to him.
How do you completely forget someone you gave your only virginity to? My biggest concern is that I’m going to meet this great guy in the future that I will want to marry but I’ll have this guilt conscience in the back of my head because I can’t give my complete self to him.
I plan on becoming a second virgin after this relationship but even so, I need advice.
Dear ‘Secondary Virgin’,
I’m sorry to learn that you lost your virginity to someone you are almost certain that you won’t get married to. It’s quite unfortunate that you will have to deal with that reality for the rest of your life. We all make mistakes in life but what is important is how we map our way forward.
Firstly, there is no such thing as called ‘second virgin’. Others call it born-again virgin or secondary virgin or renewed virgin. Theoretically, this is a mental commitment one makes after having engaged in sexual intercourse, then decides not to be sexually active again until marriage (or some other defined point in the future or indefinitely), whether for religious, moral, practical, or other reasons.
I had to mention the word “theoretically” because second virginity exists in theory only. Practically there is nothing like that. It’s either you are a virgin or you are not. Period.
However, you’re only human, therefore you are bound to make mistakes, just like everyone else. What’s important when you mess up in any situation is that you realize it was a mistake.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, when you meet someone that you want to get married to, he will accept you for who you are and there will be no resentment to who you’ve been with prior to that relationship. All he’ll ask for is YOU, not that you’re a virgin, not that there’s any stipulation involved. He will love you for your actions and the person you’ve become because of your mistakes. That’s love.
We all have a number of firsts going through life – first date, first kiss, first car … etc. But then you move on. What is the most important thing to remember is not the first one, but the last. Time does heal all wounds and your heart will go on. You just have to learn to leave the past in the past, live with your decisions and do the best with what you’ve got.
Wish you all the best in your love life