Dear Aunty Lisa
I’ve been with my partner for seven years, but for the past three sex has been almost non-existent. We went a whole year without it, but we discussed it and things got better.
However, for the past year I’ve had to beg or get upset before she’ll agree to sex. It’s happened around once every three months or so.
It kills me when I try to make advances or she says she has a headache, or is too interested in her phone to care.
I’m really beginning to wonder if she has someone else as she’s constantly on her mobile and if I ask to use it for a few minutes I get screamed at. I’m not allowed to touch it and it’s password locked.
On the other hand, she has been into my Facebook account and my emails – I don’t mind as I have nothing to hide – but she’s always accusing me of cheating.
Yet when I ask her to show me what evidence she has for this, she can’t give me any.
I feel frustrated as I do love her, but the more this goes on the more I feel trapped and unloved. I am wondering if I should move on, even though it would kill me.
I’m young – only 23 – and can’t see my life being like this forever.
What do I do? I don’t feel I can speak to family or friends as they were against the relationship from the beginning due to my partner being trans.
Aunty Lisa says
First of all, forget your family and your friends – they clearly don’t understand and don’t support your relationship, so they are unlikely to give you any unbiased advice.
I don’t like the fact your partner is screaming at you if you ask to borrow her phone.
Also, it’s not uncommon for someone who’s having an affair to accuse their partner of cheating. Blaming someone else is their way of trying to deflect the guilt.
Exactly the same thing happened to me with my ex.
Maybe she’s not having an affair, but I understand why screaming at you and hiding her phone is making you feel so insecure.
I’m not saying it’s healthy for a couple to check each other’s phones all the time, but if you have nothing to hide then you should be able to look at your partner’s to check the weather or look something up online without it being an issue.
As your partner is trans, she might be taking lots of hormones and that can have an effect on mood.
Maybe she’s not totally comfortable with her body yet, but you have to talk about it rather than just getting angry with each other and avoiding sex.
You can reassure her that you love her and find her sexy, but tell her you won’t accept this behaviour or constantly be accused of cheating when you’re not. Good luck!