Dear Aunty Lisa
My husband and I have lived in a small village for more than 20 years and we’ve got a tight knit group of close friends.
Eight months ago, my husband left me for a younger woman from work. They’d been having an affair for two years.
This was devastating enough, but I’ve since found out that several of our so-called friends knew about the affair but didn’t tell me – including one couple who I considered to be our very best friends. We holiday with them every year and our children have grown up together and are also best friends. My friends’ betrayal almost feels as bad as my husband’s.
They’ve tried to get in touch with me to explain why they didn’t say anything, but I refuse to have anything to do with them. I feel so humiliated and lonely and I don’t know who to turn to any more.
I have two grown-up sons, but I don’t want to burden them with any of this as they’re finding the divorce hard enough to cope with as it is.
How do I start to rebuild my life?
Aunty Lisa says
The fallout from an affair is awful and I can understand why you feel betrayed by friends. But please don’t lose them over this.
As awful as it was for you to find this out, it must have been a terrible position for them to be in. If they’d told you, there could have been a ‘shoot the messenger’ situation where you blamed them. Your husband might have made up an excuse, you believed it and you lost them as friends.
Also, you don’t know exactly how much they knew.
Perhaps they heard rumours but didn’t know enough of the facts and didn’t want to go to you with something they couldn’t be sure was true.
Try to remember that the one you’ve been betrayed by most is your husband so aim your hurt at him, and not your friends. I know how you feel – your pride takes such a kicking when your husband cheats and you feel stupid for not knowing. But you’re not stupid. Some men are just very good at cheating and lying. I think you should talk to your friends and let them explain, because you need your friends more than ever right now.