Dear Aunty Lisa

I have been married for 30 years and my wife and I have two sons together – one has recently graduated from university and the other is in his second year.

My wife is a decent person and has never swayed in any way. I think she still loves me, but I can’t be sure as we’re not as intimate as we used to be.

Recently, our love life had been dwindling both in quantity and quality. We used to make love once a day, then it became once a week and that seems to be more like a favour to me rather than a genuine way of expressing her love through sex.

My wife is 49 and I am 60, so there is an age gap. Do you think our future is secure? I am starting to sense that our relationship is slipping away from me, and the only reason we are still together is because our finances are so intertwined, although we’ve never had any issues around money.

I suppose it would just be traumatic to try to sort it all out.

What do you think?

Aunty Lisa says

There can be loads of reasons for going off sex. It could simply be you’re in a bit of a rut sexually and, while you’re happy with the status quo, she’s not.

She’s also coming up to her milestone 50th birthday, which can be hard psychologically for some people.

I found the idea of 50 very hard and I’d never had a problem with getting older previously. Anything that affects you emotionally has a knock-on physically.

She could also be starting the menopause at her age, which means physical changes can affect her sexual desire and enjoyment, and she might
be having to adjust to those changes.

You need to talk about it, but not at the very moment when you might have sex or she’s turned you down. Bring it up during the day when you’re alone.

Ask her how she’s feeling about things and if she has any worries because you’re concerned she’s not happy.

And tell her you’re feeling a bit insecure because she doesn’t seem to want to be close to you. Talk to her like that rather than making it all about sex.

If she admits she’s just gone off sex, then you need to discuss what you want to do about it. Is there anything you can do to make things more exciting or is it a question of your wife getting advice from her GP?

I wouldn’t like to think someone was staying with me because it seemed too much hassle to sort out joint finances.

That kind of thing can be sorted a lot easier than a relationship that
isn’t nurtured.

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