Dear Aunty Lisa
I read your recent advice to a woman who was struggling with the fact that her partner preferred porn to sex with her. I have the same problem.
I’ve tried lots of things in the past, including some of your suggestions.
But while he’s at work he’ll look at porn and indulge in some solo pleasure at least once a day, sometimes twice.
So by the time he gets home and I’m feeling confident and in the mood, he has no interest because he satisfied himself earlier.
We started dating four-and-a-half years ago and about six months into the relationship I started having a big problem with porn. It made me feel insecure and that he didn’t find me attractive.
I eventually got over it after a year of crying and moaning, and realised I wasn’t going to get anywhere.
I never feel in control, no matter how hard I try. I’ve bought sexy outfits and toys to try to surprise him, but it makes no difference. I get no response.
Even sending a cheeky underwear pic while he’s at work gets the classic “haha” response – ie, “I’m not interested and don’t know how else to respond”.
This man is my entire world and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I’ve come to a dead end sexually.
Aunty Lisa says
It’s a very lazy way of getting satisfaction. He doesn’t have to make any effort at all and now it’s become a habit, possibly even an addiction if he can’t wait till he’s home from work.
You have to tell him that while you’ve accepted what he does, it’s having a negative impact on your sex life and your relationship is in trouble.
You have needs, but he’s not interested. As a result, you feel unattractive and lacking in confidence. What he needs to know is you’re not going to spend the rest of your life not having sex.
Ask him to restrict his consumption of porn so that when he feels desire he’s more likely to want to have sex with you than engage with his phone or computer.
I know it’s not easy to have these conversations, but you don’t have to nag, cry or moan. Just say it as it is and then leave him to come back with a response.
You’ve tried to engage with him sexually with the outfits and the pictures, but it’s time to put your foot down – you’re not ready to feel so undesirable.
If he wants an actual relationship, he needs to start engaging otherwise you have to think about whether you’ll ever be compatible in that area.