I am very angry, I just found out that my 22 year old best friend has been sleeping with my mother for over 6 months.

My mother is a good looking woman, I have heard this all of my life, so when he started hanging out more at my house, it didn’t raise any alarms as he is a childhood friend and he always hung around, but to find out he and my mother are having sex I just cannot believe it.

For the record my mother is a widow, my father died 5 years ago.

But this must be wrong, isn’t it? What should I do to stop it?

TJ

Dear TJ,

Dang, it’s never easy to find out that not only is your mother having sex with someone other than your father, but also with your best friend, but the questions are:

Who are you angry at? Just your friend, or mother or both of them? The first thing I would advise you to do despite how uncomfortable this might make you feel is talk to them about this, let them know that you know they are sleeping together. I don’t mean attack them or be insulting, but it is important that they know and as such there is not overhanging anger or negativity.
Why are you angry with them? When speaking to them, explain why you are angry with them, is it the secret kept, or the act itself. You have to be specific, generalizing will not help to resolve the problem
Would you have preferred they asked you before they started? This is difficult because they are two consenting adults and what they decide to do is a matter of choice but out of respect they could have spoken to you about it and I agree that you deserve that respect
What do you want them to do now? This unfortunately you can state but you might not necessarily get because if they really like each other or alternatively want to keep smashing because they like to do that to each other, your needs as an adult might fall down their list of priorities.
With all the above said what do you now have to do?

You have to be an adult. As I’m sure there are many things that you face on a daily basis that are not palatable to you, however being an adult means recognizing this and dealing with it. If you still don’t want to accept ask yourself the following questions:

If they decide to keep seeing each other, can I accept to lose both my mother and my best friend?
Could I possibly be getting in the way of the happiness of two people I care about because of how they met?
If this were me (either as my mum or friend), what would I do?

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