“I am 21 and have had penetrative sex only once, although I want to because I have lots of sexual feelings. I have a better sex life in my dreams than in reality. In fact, I would not even call it having sex, because my problem is that I have a really small, tight hole and it has been like this for the past two years. I have had boyfriends, and only one has been able to penetrate me. It is not that they have huge penises, but my hole seems to be too small. I am really worried that I will never have a healthy sex life. I also experience pain when they try hard to penetrate me, so I just give up because I can’t take the pain. What is wrong with me? Isn’t my hole supposed to expand or something? Please help me.” – Lungile, e-mail
Dr Eve says
I’m pleased you have some knowledge of your vagina and how it works. Here is some more information to help you understand your problem. There is a muscle that surrounds the vagina. This muscle relaxes and stretches when necessary. When a woman delivers a baby through her vagina, the muscle is able to stretch a lot. When you feel excited and you want a penis or a sex toy inside your vagina, the muscle gets a message from the brain, chemicals are released in your body, and the muscle begins to relax, which allows the penis or toy or finger to enter. However, if you are anxious, tense, feel guilty or do not trust your boyfriend or are afraid of falling pregnant or getting HIV or sexually transmitted infections (STIs), the muscle will tense. This will make penetration very difficult and painful. You are now anxious about penetration because of your previous experiences, so you will feel tense.  The trick is to first make sure you feel safe, both with the man and with protection. Then you must have a lot of sex play before penetration so that you will be nice and wet and excited. Take it slowly.

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