I’ve been with my partner three years. I was married before and with my ex for 14 years, but he was abusive, an ex drug addict and a gambler (the list goes on).
I thought I’d found the man of my dreams this time. He’s a great dad to our two-year-old and my three older children from my marriage.
However, when I was pregnant I found emails from him to a hook-up site and saw two replies from his email address, agreeing to meet a woman.
When I confronted him about this he denied it. I also found a picture on his phone of a young girl whom he claimed at first was his sister.
A year later he admitted it was a girl he went to college with who was in one of his Facebook chat groups. He said she’d put this photo up (she was in pants and a T-shirt) and claimed he didn’t know how it saved onto his phone.
Then an old friend told me my partner was also seeing this girl – again, he denied it. But he did admit going to her house one night for a smoke. I am really struggling to trust him. Please advise me, as I feel like I’m going off my head – especially as he told me I’m a crackpot when I confronted him. Is it me?
Aunty Lisa says
No, I don’t think it is you. You’ve found a fair bit of evidence to make you suspicious, which he always seems to have an excuse for. But the best form of defence is attack, and that’s why he’s calling you a crackpot.
I understand it’s especially hard for you because you’ve come out of an abusive marriage and you desperately want to believe your current partner is the real deal and that you can trust him.
But when someone keeps letting you down, you have to get to the point where you ask yourself how long you’re going to let them feed you these lame excuses. After with what you’ve been through in the past, you need to be confident you can rely on this man.
It’s down to you to let him know your doubts aren’t going to just magically disappear, and that you won’t be fobbed off. Relationship counselling (if he’d agree to it) could help you get to the truth.
Or a trial separation might give him a chance to reflect and to realise what he could lose. If you don’t want to do either, then tell him if you find one more thing that makes you doubt him, it’s over. And you have to mean it – you can’t carry on forgiving him.